Bethel Seminary

Matters of the Heart by Robert V. Rakestraw

During the afternoon of November 16, 2003, while celebrating my 60th birthday with my family, I received a phone call that would change my life. The nurse on the line instructed me to go to the University of Minnesota Medical Center in Minneapolis and make my way to the surgical preparation room. My wife Judy and I drove to the hospital with a mixture of confidence in God and uncertainty about the outcome.

We would have no birthday cake that day, but a much more significant gift was about to be ours. An organ donor had just died and some of the donor’s organs were being transported to the hospital. I received a new heart at about 2:30 a.m. on November 17 during a five-hour surgery. Eighteen years earlier, when I first learned that I had a heart problem called mitral-valve prolapse, I never dreamed that another person’s heart would one day pump my blood.

It has now been two years since the transplant, and I wish to reflect on my life since then, with the hope that my observations may help someone in need of comfort and encouragement. I am aware that many among us suffer in numerous ways, physical and otherwise, and I wish to draw attention to “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Recovery

After eight days in the hospital I came home with my new heart. My family and I, along with hundreds of friends and loved ones who had been praying faithfully, rejoiced with me over God’s gift. While I have had several bouts of organ rejection and developed diabetes from the steroids used to fight the rejection, my recovery, from the standpoint of medical tests and lab reports, has been good.

"It's better to shake your fist at God than to turn your back on Him.”

-Martin LutherSince the transplant, however, I have been learning what the doctors and the pre-transplant literature meant when they said that I would be “trading one disease for another.” Due to the combination of powerful immunosuppressants and other drugs, and possibly some unknown factors, I have suffered frequently and intensely from pain and weakness. While I live daily with other side effects from the drugs, notably tremors, light-headedness, and nausea, these do not hinder my activities greatly. But pain and weakness have been my major foes.

Anger at God

For the first few months after the transplant, I suffered from severe muscle cramps-“charlie horse” pains in my legs, feet, wrists, and hands. About three o’clock on Christmas morning after the transplant, I had an attack of these cramps so intense that, for the first time in my life, I became really angry at God. I faced God directly (as much as anyone can) with my eyes open and cried out loud: “I don’t like You! I am angry at You! I’m not sure I trust You any more! Why are You pounding on me with this pain? What good can possibly come out of this? Stop it! Stop it!” Nothing would stop the pain. My poor wife Judy had to lie in bed praying while listening to her husband roaming about the house shouting at God.

I felt like Job. Looking back now, I also acted like Jonah in the last chapter of the biblical account: “I do well to be angry.” I even nursed my anger into the early hours of Christmas day. I sort of repented throughout Christmas morning, but I wasn’t sure I was going to let God off the hook too easily. I was still wary of this almighty God who allows such things. All of my theology teaching notes on the topic of “evil and suffering” and my attempted resolutions of these matters seemed very unsatisfactory.

Repentence

"When I first learned that I had a heart problem called mitral-valve prolapse, I never dreamed that another person’s heart would one day pump my blood."

I suspect that this account may shock some of you. It shocked me, too. I don’t wish to undermine anyone’s faith in God, but I believe that most of you have struggled significantly with pain and suffering. It might be helpful for you to know that you are not alone. Whether it has been about unresolved health issues, the death of a loved one, job and career disappointments, lack of a suitable marriage partner, financial crises, depression, self-loathing, or relational breakdowns, you know what it is to suffer.

Martin Luther said, “It’s better to shake your fist at God than to turn your back on Him.” At least you are communicating with God. You are still facing God, even if it is with anger. It is a frightening thing to turn away from one’s Creator and Sustainer and no longer relate to or quarrel with Him. I got frightened about my reaction to God during my “Christmas Morning Encounter” almost as soon as the pain began to subside. Not because I thought God would strike me dead (I wished for that very thing), but because I was pretty sure He wouldn’t do that, and I might become bitter and hardened in my anger and unbelief. I could picture myself as a cranky, sour old man sitting in a rocker with a pipe, reading Bertrand Russell and others who would nourish and deepen my hostility toward God.

Yes, I repented more thoroughly of my sin of unbelief. I think that’s the core issue, not my shouting at God and telling Him I don’t like Him. I also had to repent of my ingratitude. I had forgotten to be thankful for all of God’s mercies to me through Christ over my lifetime, the greatest of all being the assurance of eternal life in glory.

Some added afflictions

I am grateful that the muscle cramps lasted only a few months. Unfortunately, soon after the transplant I began experiencing another kind of pain as well: acute, drug-induced headaches. These afflicted me so severely that I could do nothing except endure the pain-sometimes for days at a time-and cast myself on the Lord. The transplant cardiologist kept trying new combinations of drugs, and many of God’s people continued to pray fervently for healing. I was buoyed by God’s gracious presence. Because my expectations were high, I returned to teaching four months after the transplant. The attacks continued, however, and I ended up in the hospital in the middle of the quarter; I taught only six of the 10 weeks.

One of my doctors referred me to a specialist who prescribed a headache-preventive drug, and the headaches began to ease considerably. While still a frequent problem, the level of pain has become more manageable. The downside for more than a year now is that the drug leaves me with muscle fatigue, weakness, drowsiness, and an overall lack of strength as I move through my day. The medication helps suppress the headaches, but its side effects, combined with similar"God continues to work, however, assuring me that when I am weak, then I am strong. He reminds me that He is continually working all things together for my good. His peace truly passes all understanding. My theology notes on the problem of suffering have begun to fit into place once again.” side effects from the other medications, leave me as weak as I was before the transplant. I now can breathe, however, and my dangerous heart condition (valvular cardiomyopathy) is a thing of the past.

An unhappy decision

Following my unsuccessful return to teaching in the spring of 2004 I agonized over the direction God had for me. I hoped to return to the classroom, but I didnot want to repeat the earlier experience. Finally, due to the ongoing lack of stamina and episodes of rejection (I had six hospital stays in 2004 alone), I chose early retirement in January of 2005. This was an extremely difficult decision to make, and I wavered back and forth for weeks. I leaned heavily on God’s Word in James 1, where we read that if we lack wisdom we should ask God for it, with complete confidence in His ability and willingness to give it. Since the decision, I have had no doubts that this was the path to follow, even though I have experienced sadness and a major sense of loss.

A bright future

God continues to work, however, assuring me that when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). He reminds me that He is continually working all things together for my good (Romans 8:28). His peace truly passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). My theology notes on the problem of suffering have begun to fit into place once again.

As time goes by I become increasingly enthusiastic about the new ministries God has for me. By God’s grace, I intend to be zealous in advancing the kingdom of Christ around the world until He calls me home. The manner of my service will be different, and, unless God grants me greater strength, my service will be limited, but I trust that I will continue to be used by God for His glory in ministry to others. The future is indeed as bright as the promises of God.

Robert V. Rakestraw was born and raised in Philadelphia, and came to Christ at the age of 19. After studying at St. Joseph’s University Prairie Bible College, he received his B.S. and M.A. degrees from Calvary Bible College and his Ph.D. from Drew University. He subsequently served as a pastor in Missouri and New Jersey, and taught Bible, theology, ethics, and preaching courses at Prairie Bible College and The Criswell College. At Bethel Seminary he taught theology and ethics courses from 1988 to 2005. Rakestraw has been married to his wife Judy since 1967. The couple has two married daughters and five grandchildren.