Clarionion: Senior scrambler resorts to soliciting

February 7, 2013 | 11 a.m.

Clarionion | Collin D'Kopps

Senior scrambler resorts to soliciting

Nick Locke feels the creeping desperation of a dateless Senior Spring.

Senior Nick Locke has spent the past few weeks selecting groomsmen, scoping out reception venues, creating a guest list, and getting fitted for a tux. It sounds like he’s just about ready to walk down the aisle.

The only problem with this situation is … Locke is single.

“I’ve spent the last 3 ½ years at Bethel looking for a soul mate,” he said. “But I just haven’t had any luck.”

Even though he has participated in all of the events designed to bring Bethel’s male and female students together into picture-perfect relationships, Locke’s search continues.

“I’ve taken classes that I know consist of mostly girls,” stated Locke. “I even considered switching my major to nursing or elementary education.”

In light of his failed attempts, Locke felt overwhelmed with finding his wife at Bethel. “I know she’s out there somewhere, but when I walk around campus, sometimes I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a haystack. There’s so much … blonde,” Locke said.

He always dreamed that he would be married by graduation, but now there are only 15 weeks and two days left to accomplish this feat.

With all hope seemingly lost, and with graduation looming in the near future, Locke has decided to take matters into his own hands – and God’s, too, of course.

He’s going door-knocking.

In the coming weeks, Locke will visit all of the dorms on campus in an attempt to meet every single female student.

“I wouldn’t exactly call it soliciting,” Locke said. “It’s more about raising awareness … of me.”

Upon introducing himself, Locke will give each of the girls a short questionnaire consisting of questions such as: “Do you watch sports? How often do you read your Bible? What are your favorite pastimes? What’s your ring size?”

The girls can either fill the surveys out on the spot, or they can return them to Locke’s PO box at a later date.

And all of you off-campus girls, don’t worry! Locke will have a booth set up in the BC during the school week.

After meeting all of the girls and reading their survey responses, Locke will narrow his pool of girls down to a group of finalists.

“From there, the rest should be easy,” he stated. Locke will contact each of the finalists and take them on romantic DC dates.

“I just want a girl who’s sweet, godly, funny and willing to marry me in the next few months,” Locke said. And he hopes the DC dates will work their magic and reveal to him his long-sought-after wife.

So why is Locke already tux shopping if he hasn’t met his soul mate yet? “Because of the haste of my endeavor, I need to have as much of my wedding planned as possible,” he commented. “I just want to ease the stress on my future wife.”

If all goes according to plan, Locke will have his perfect wife selected by March 25. That gives the happy, spontaneous couple a mere 8 ½ weeks to plan the wedding and get hitched.

The plan is quite daring, a little forward, and a bit outlandish, but when asked if he believes it will work, Locke simply responded, “I do.”

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