Parents
A newsletter for parents of Bethel University students
The
Resource Zone
Coming Home for Summer
by Kay Wible
The Student’s Perspective
- Students need to be considerate of the family. “It’s
like we’re intruding on a new family system,” observes
Lindsay Fendler ’07. “It was surprising to discover
life went on without me—and everyone had to adjust again
when I came home.”
- “Being expected to again take on all the chores
I had done before,” adds Bethel senior Bjorn Larson, “was
a big adjustment.” On the other hand, Fendler points
out, “Considering that I lived at home for free
made it easier to pitch in and help without being
asked.”
- Students can be “homesick” for the freedom of college life. “Parents shouldn’t take it personally,” says Fendler. “Not that I didn’t enjoy being at home, but I loved my new life, friends, and my independence!” Larson concludes, “When I’m home, I have to get used to having my parents involved again in my decisions, like where I go at night or my job schedule. Even so, they do a good job of letting me have the freedom to make my own choices.”
Parents, do you look forward to having your student home again this summer? Along with the joy, expect some adjustments, too.
“College is a time when students change in major ways,” notes Myrla Seibold, Ph.D., professor of psychology and acting director of student counseling services. These changes require adjustments from every member of a family.
“Students, parents, and siblings all have to adapt to changing family dynamics when they are thrown together again,” observes Associate Dean of Students Marie Wisner. Both professionals noted aspects of college life that can affect family patterns when students go home again:
- Irregular hours are normal! “It may be a shock to parents
when their student is out and about at 3 a.m.,” Seibold says. “But
in the college community, many are keeping these hours.” This
issue may require some compromise on both sides.
- “College exists in a culture of ‘busy,’” Wisner
adds. She points out that students can struggle with discipline when
they have more leisure time. Parents can help their student
find balance in time management, and suggest constructive and healthy
activities while at home.
-
Students have had to be self-regulating and self-motivated
while at school; sometimes they revert back to old patterns when
they get home. “Parents are used to overseeing and taking responsibility
for their children,” Seibold reflects. “But it’s
better to let students handle their own responsibilities.”
-
Students aren’t the only ones who have experienced change. “When a child leaves for college, parents typically go through a grieving process, and then they adjust,” Seibold explains. “The home settles into a new definition of ‘normal,’ and then everyone has to readjust all over again when the student comes back.” Parents and students need to relax and allow for compromises.
Tips for Parents
- Set family “rules” at the beginning. “Define
expectations, but be willing to negotiate,” urges Seibold. “Suddenly
being faced with restrictions can feel to the student like
parents are being controlling or not recognizing the student’s
adult status.”
- Be specific about expectations. Discuss household responsibilities,
transportation, when you want them to set aside family time
vs. free time with friends, etc.
- Don’t feel threatened by change. “College serves an important function of helping transition into adulthood, beyond the value of the education,” Seibold says. “This path is not a straight line, however. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward, one step back. Becoming an independent adult takes time.”
- Set family “rules” at the beginning. “Define
expectations, but be willing to negotiate,” urges Seibold. “Suddenly
being faced with restrictions can feel to the student like
parents are being controlling or not recognizing the student’s
adult status.”
Communication is key, both experts agree. “Parents need to sit down with their students from the start, and discuss issues from their respective viewpoints,” advises Seibold. “Problems can be avoided if everyone knows what to expect.” Adds Wisner, “Your student is growing in ways of thinking and in how they look at things like faith and politics.” She suggests asking questions to understand who they are becoming. “You are important to them, even though they’re becoming more independent. Students want their parents to be in their lives.”