Anti-Crombie
and Fitch: An Eschatological Investigation
Anti-Crombie
and Fitch: An Eschatological Investigation
by
Lan-ri Nolkoh, Jedi Master
Repent brethren, for the Time is at hand! The end is near! Behold, the Beast arise! His name is Abercrombie and his false prophet is Fitch. We as champions of our Lord must arise and defend our cause and prevent the weak from falling into his grasp. In my mind this battle must take place on two fronts: those of cognitive logic and commercial spending.
We must make this a battle of logic. We must, through sound reasoning, prove to the world that Abercrombie and his false prophet Fitch are the embodiments of evil and must be resisted and countered. Therefore, let us begin an investigation of the fact that will prove this truth to the world.
(1) The mark of the beast.
First, we firmly hold that Abercrombie is the embodiment of evil on the grounds that his number, 666, proliferates on his paraphernalia. Revelation 13:18 tells us that "If anyone has wisdom, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666." Consider now the following facts. A T-shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch costs $33.95. Multiply this number by two, divide by five, add 98.6, and multiply by two and you will find you have a T-shirt that costs $66.60. Thus proving that Abercrombie’s number is indeed 666.
(2) The false prophet.
Second, we firmly hold that Abercrombie is the embodiment of evil predicted by the Bible by evidence of his false prophet, Fitch. Revelation 13 tells us that the Anti-Christ will have a prophet who will "deceive the inhabitants of the earth" and "exercise the authority of the first beast." He will also "order them to set up an image in honor of the beast." As we all know, Fitch is Abercrombie’s evil and depraved Public Relations Director, and, as such, is responsible for building a glorious image of his evil master, Abercrombie, that the nations will be deceived admire and worship his merchandise. Again, this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Abercrombie is the Evil One’s dark agent on earth during the last days.
(3) All the inhabitants of the earth will worship the Beast.
Revelation 13:8 tells us that "all inhabitants of the earth will worship the Beast -- all those who’s names have not be written in the book of life belonging to the Lamb." Abercrombie fulfills the prophecy quite well. I challenge you to simply walk down the halls of your school and count the number of people wearing Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirts, hats, sweaters, pants, vests, turtle-necks, and so on. The inhabitants of the earth are most certainly worshipping the Beast. So much so that they are willing to pay $33.95 for a T-shirt that was made by an unfortunate child in Malaysia being paid $0.05 and hour. Notice also the behavior of these people. These once personable, likable, and in all respects lovely people have become the depraved puppets of corporate America. They have been depraved of their personality and synthesized into the conglomeration of Abercrombie drones.
The earth is most certainly worshipping the Beast. It is our job to open the world’s eyes to this truth and save them from the grip of the Beast. This bring us to the second front of our battle field: that of commercial spending. I urge you, as my fellow human beings who have not yet been robbed of their humanity via the corruptive powers of Abercrombie, do not give into his evil deceptions. Do not give your money over to the Evil One. No matter the pressures of pop culture. No matter how many musicians cry out "I like girls who where Abercrombie and Fitch." No matter how many pretty girls wearing Abercrombie hats simile at you. Do not give in. Learn this simple truth: you be you. Know who you are and do not let pop-culture redefine who you are. Be bigger than Abercrombie. Do not let someone else live your life for you.