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Bethel Focus
A Magazine of Bethel University
help! my kid's best friend is a computer
by Peggy Kendall
photos by Scott Streble
As a teacher at Bethel, Associate Professor of Communications Peggy Kendall, Ph.D., found her students loved talking about computer-mediated communication. And as a parent, two of her three children seemed to live online in ways she didn't quite understand. Compelled by both roles, she set about researching the world of instant messaging and blogs with the help of an Edgren Scholarship from Bethel University.
Kendall led a team of student researchers in conducting a combination of surveys, focus groups, and in-depth interviews with 80 Baptist General Conference youth pastors from across the country; with 90 middle and high school students from Calvin Christian School in Blaine (Minn.); and with 34 parents.
The team's findings won a divisional Top Debut Paper Award at the Central States Communication Association convention last spring. But they've also become a refreshingly practical tutorial for parents and anyone who cares about staying wise to the world in which today's kids live. Kendall now talks to parent groups and youth pastors about how IM and MySpace are impacting youth, and is publishing two books designed to help kids and caring adults navigate the online world on friendly terms.
Besides having teenagers Hannah 13, (middle) and Nate, 17 (right), who are passionate IM'ers, Kendall says she and her husband Jay chat a lot via IM when he is on one of his frequent business trips.
It's 3:30 p.m. The bus pulls up and Jennifer emerges, backpack in hand. In a flash, she zips through the front door, drops her books on the table, and sits down to spend some quality time with her best friend—before uttering a word, she's logged on.
To parents who watch this daily ritual, it can seem their teenage children have developed a love affair with the home computer. After all, they spend lots of time together, they depend on their computer to meet complex social needs, and they seem to feel great anguish when they can't be together. Without question, the computer has become an important part of life for many American teenagers. Unfortunately, most parents aren't sure what to make of that fact.
Today's young people have turned to technology to help them manage friendships and express themselves in a way that most adults have never experienced. What used to be done over the phone, in the mall, at the malt shop, and in the sandlot is now accomplished in cyberspace. Let's face it. It isn't easy being a parent who, on one hand, has to struggle to keep up with the technology kids use so easily, and on the other hand, must worry about sexual predators, online stalkers, and kids getting sucked into a cybervortex where they turn pasty white and lose the ability to talk with real human beings. So, what are the options? Unplug the computer? Force kids to watch multiple episodes of The Andy Griffith Show? Or ignore the computer and just hope the whole thing will go away?
It's Big and It's Here to Stay
Whether we like it or not, today's teenagers routinely use the computer to manage their social lives. Unlike Pong, Michael Jackson, and 8-tracks, its a cultural phenomenon that's not going away. According to the Pew Internet and American Life project released in 20051, Instant Messenger is used by almost two-thirds of all American adolescents. In addition, social networking websites such as MySpace.com have quietly become one of the fastest-growing uses of the internet. MySpace boasts over 55 million users, adding 85,000 new profiles each day—that's 59 new profiles in the time it will take you to read this article!2 The bottom line is that while the specific technology might change, the way young people communicate with each other has been fundamentally transformed.
The Basics
One of the most common ways young people communicate with each other via the computer (or their cell phone) is through Instant Messenger (IM). According to America Online (AOL), Instant Messenger is "a free online service that lets you communicate with family, friends, and co-workers in real time. Using a buddy list feature, you can see when your buddies are online and available to instant message".3
While IM allows people to engage in private conversations in real time, many teenagers also enjoy the option of hanging out with a group of friends at their own leisure. That's where social networking sites come in. On these sites, users create a profile or self-description that may include everything from music, poetry, and original art to pictures of friends, personality quizzes, and random thoughts about life. Teens then regularly check their friends' sites to see what's new. While MySpace is currently the largest social networking site, there are many others including Facebook (a favorite of Bethel students), Xanga, Friendster, and even some Christian sites like Christianster.com and Oaktree.com.
The challenge of this technology is that it fundamentally changes the way communication takes place. In an effort to understand better the implications of these changes, a research team that included a number of undergraduate students from the Department of Communication Studies at Bethel University conducted interviews, focus groups,and surveys with students, parents, and youth pastors about Instant Messenger and social networking sites.
Some Good Things
The clearest finding was that young people truly enjoy using the computer to connect with friends. Not only is it convenient and fun, but it can be an important way for young people to learn how to develop and deepen relationships. A majority of surveyed IM'ers said they felt closer to those friends they regularly IM'd. They were better able to keep in touch, and even help their friends deal with tough issues so that the face-to-face time they spent together was of a perceived higher quality. IM'ers also felt the technology increased their confidence and ability to articulate themselves in a safe environment. Take for example, one middle school girl. "I IM a lot of boys from my class," she said. "We've gotten to be pretty good friends, which is weird since, if we talked at school, everyone would think we were in love or something." Other IM'ers appreciate a technology that lets them keep in touch with friends or family members who travel or live far away. A final benefit consistently mentioned by teenage IM'ers was that, in spite of what their parents might think, it really did help them do homework.
Some of the Bad Things
While most IM'ers and parents agree that there are certain benefits associated with online communication technology, there are also significant challenges. One of the biggest problems has to do with a lack of shared meaning. Because important nonverbal cues are left out on the computer, users have to imagine what those cues might be—thus creating their own interpretation of how the other person is responding.
These "idealized responses" can foster a number of problems. First, because IM'ers may not be sharing true understanding with the people they interact with, they may be less able to genuinely empathize with their friends or work out conflicts that require them to see problems from another person's perspective. Second, idealized responses can create an environment of "hyperintimacy." When someone is having a conversation late at night, it is easy to imagine a feeling of closeness. Some IM'ers and personal website users say it's almost like writing in a journal. The problem arises when the disclosures are not appropriate for the relationships. It may artificially speed up romantic relationships or create awkward expectations in emerging friendships. Trust is easily broken when teens share too much with "friends" who are not truly friends.
A third problem has to do with bad behavior. When asked why high schoolers thought it was easier to be mean to someone online than in person, one student offered: "When you are on the computer, you don't have to see the hurt in their eyes." Most young IM'ers reported being the victim of some type of gossip, bullying, deception, or just plain meanness at the hands of another. Some students, especially middle school boys, felt freer to swear and say things online that they would never say in person. Middle schoolers were also more reluctant to report online bad behavior since it "didn't seem quite as real." It should be noted, however, that although it was easier to be a victim online, it was also easier to be aggressive and tell someone to "knock it off." This was especially true with middle school girls, who often lacked the courage to speak up in face-to-face conversations.
In summary, there are some worrisome elements that arise when teens regularly use IM and social networking sites. There are also some positive, even exciting things that can happen only in a virtual environment. As parents contemplate how to manage the technology in their homes, it is helpful to think about the strengths and weaknesses of things like IM and social networking, considering how to come alongside young people as they navigate the technology that will become an inevitable part of their adult lives.
Parenting a teenager in this modern era is not easy. There is one thing for certain, however. God is present in their lives—even when they are online. He is bigger than a MySpace profile and stonger than an IM avatar. He can use the world's technology to uniquely touch the heart of children who have been raised in a culture decidedly different than the one in which their parents were raised. We need to take the challenge to be involved in the lives of our children seriously—even if it means learning to pull up to the computer and say "hello" to a new friend.
1 A. Lenhart, M. Madden, and P. Hitlin, "Teens and Technology: Youth are Leading the Transition to a Fully Wired and Mobile Nation," Pew Internet and American Life Project, 2005, http://pewinternet.org/PPF/r/162/report display.asp. Accessed May, 2006.
2 D. Hajdu, "Instant Gratification," The New Republic, March 6, 2006, 234 (8), 25-28.
3 AOL Instant Messenger, http://aim.com/help_faq/starting_out/getstarted.adp?aolp=/ Accessed March, 2006.
4 Idea taken from M. Brauns, Mom's Survival Guide to Instant Messaging, Sun Prairie, WI: Sun Prairie Moms, LLC, 2004.
To read more detailed results of Kendall's youth pastor study, take the parent survey, or glean more tips for both youth pastors and parents, visit http://www.bethel.edu/~kenpeg/IMresearch/index.html. Kendall is a 1983 graduate of Bethel College, and earned her Ph.D. in Communication Studies from the University of Minnesota. She has been a full-time faculty member since 1999.
ten ways to stay in the loop
Here are a few ideas for parents and youth pastors to help open a dialogue with their high-tech teens:
- Talk to your kids. This was the most common piece of advice middle schoolers had for parents. Ask kids what they like about IM and what they don't like. Teens LOVE talking about it!
- If a teen uses a social network site, ask to see their profile. Most users are quite proud of what they have done because it often is a form of self-expression.
- Find out who their IM buddies are. Challenge them to name everyone on their buddy list (it's harder than you think). If they can't identify someone, suggest they delete that person's name.
- Learn about their IM conversations. Middle schoolers surveyed were quite clear: They did not like it when their parents secretly read their conversations—they felt it was an invasion of their privacy. They didn't mind, however, when parents asked who they were talking to and even "kind of liked it" when parents were interested in what was new with their friends. Keep in mind, there are lots of ways to monitor IM conversations, including software that will record everything a user types, or technology that will send parental email alerts when a child uses certain words on IM. It makes sense, though, to talk with your kids before deciding how closely IM should be monitored.
- Set limits. A majority of college and high school students felt that parents should limit the amount of time their children use the computer. It was also suggested that parents talk with their teens about why limits are important, negotiating together what the limits should look like.
- Keep it open. Both parents and teens strongly recommended that computers be out in the open, in plain view of others. There is clearly less temptation for bad behavior when a parent is sitting in the same room. You may also want to consider establishing a rule not to use the "minimize" feature on the desktop that quickly hides a chat or website. If parents agree not to sit and read their conversations, teens can agree not to "minimize" or throw their bodies in front of the computer screen as parents walk by.
- Balance trust and monitoring. There is always a tension that exists in parenting between trusting a child and needing to keep tabs on his or her behavior. A number of surveyed MySpacers were resentful when their parents looked at their online profile or read their blogs, likening it to rifling through their diary. Since young people often confuse public and private information, however, knowing their parent will see what they make public might serve as a helpful restraint. Surveyed parents encouraged other parents to be aware of what their teens are putting out on the net, especially since some of it can be quite "eye-opening."
The best approach probably begins with an open conversation with your child on how blogs and social networking sites are used. You may want to negotiate any boundaries, including parental access to their site.
One tip on monitoring social networking sites: young people are not always upfront about how they use MySpace. Some teens reported having one site for their parents and one that was hidden, for their friends. If your child uses MySpace, use a number of search terms to find their site. Make sure you also look on their friends' sites—you may find links to things your teen has posted.
- Give your kids a clear understanding of the difference between public and private websites. Personal data should be private, but MySpace is not private. If they use a social networking site, make sure they have chosen the setting that allows only friends to view their site and that they actually know the people who request to be their "friend."
- Find alternatives. After talking to your teen about why they use IM and social networking sites, brainstorm alternative ways they can become more connected to real-life interactions and less dependent on technology.
- Pull the plug. Let's face it. Sometimes technology can get kids into trouble—big trouble. Other times, teens aren't interested or parents aren't comfortable with things like IM or MySpace. Before the home computer is packed away, however, it is important to intentionally choose how to best protect and prepare your child for life in a wired world.
Do You Speak Technese?
Blog: A frequently updated "WebLog," or public journal. Writing entries is called "blogging;" and those who contribute to or manage the sites are "bloggers."
Podcast: Publishing audio or video files to the Internet, allowing others to download them.
Realtime Audio: The transmission of live voice or music over the Internet.
Emoticon: A picture created using computer keys to express emotions. Examples are :P :) :/ :X :O) and ;-)
Shorthand: Acronyms for commonly-used words used in online chats; for example, "lol" is short for "laugh out loud."